Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconcassildra: More from Cassildra


Featured in Collections

Great Literature by ArthurCrow


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 29, 2004
File Size
4.7 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
662
Favourites
8 (who?)
Comments
17

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×
The sign on the wall read, "Welcome to Anorexica."  Jane looked at the sign, perplexed.  She had never seen this part of Anytown before; she and John and their 2.5 kids had only stayed on the right side of the tracks, with the rich churches and the nice restaurants, the beautiful cinemas and the museums.  Jane didn't even know how she had gotten here.  She must've made a wrong turn on Main Street.  

The heavyset minority crowd viewed her pale face and slender form with disdain.  Jane Doe was definitely in the wrong part of town, where her looks were out of place.  She turned and swiftly began to walk back the way she came when a hand grabbed her elbow roughly.

"Girl, how'd ya git so thin?  Huh?  Tell me how'd ya got so thin," Latifa Mosley begged, her dark skin sagging.  Jane, with wide eyes, merely shrugged and pulled away with horror and pity in her eyes.  She began to walk away faster when another hand grabbed her shoulder.

"Your skin is like porcelain," Jose Martinez cooed in a thick Latino accent.  "Let me make love to you and taste that creamy pale skin."  Jane shook her head frantically and pulled herself away from the man and the prominent bulge in his pants.

Mohammad Rafallah eyed her from across the alley as he put together his latest bomb, using easily obtainable elements and "The Anarchist's Cookbook."  Jane shuddered as she practically ran past.

A crowd was beginning to form around her.  All sorts of hands—black, yellow, red, tan, thin, pudgy, wrinkled, smooth—reached for her reverently, to touch her and feel her to make sure she was real and not one of the apparitions from TV.  Jane screamed as she was buried under a mound of soft multiethnic bodies.

The next morning, the front page of the newspaper screamed, "Jane Doe, model of womanhood, missing!"  The accompanying article extolled the virtues that Jane possessed, such as being a good wife, excellent cook, and loving mother.  She had gone missing while going to pick her children up from soccer practice.

On the wrong side of town, Jane was becoming a Godlike figure, a Madonna in size 6 jeans and a tank top.  All of the imperfect beings around her made a throne of plywood and cushions, painted it, and set it in the best building in the area.  They forced her to sit and be adored while they went around their daily business.  Every house, building, and street had a view of her.  She had no privacy, and that's the way the masses liked it.  They wanted to be able to see their idol.

When the Anytown police arrived to see if Jane had gotten lost there, the members of the community hid her away so that their queen wouldn't be taken from them.  Jane was bewildered and frightened at first, until she began to realize that these people only wanted what was best for her.  They truly loved her and wanted to serve her every need.

That was when she began to decay inside.  Absolute power corrupts absolutely; there was no way Jane could escape the way her crown was thrust upon her.  The more she knew that these people loved her and would do anything for her, the more she felt that she was deserving. She WAS their queen. And she truly believed it.

Corruption is never a thing that hits lightly; it is a crushing blow to the personality. And so Jane changed. She became tyrannical, forcing everyone to do everything for her. But her laziness began to show in her looks.  She ate more and worked out less.  She took less time with her hair and makeup, until eventually, she looked like the people she ruled.

One day, there was a community meeting in Jane's "palace".  The people of Anorexica voted to depose Jane as their queen.  After all, weren't they fine before they had a figurehead?  Jane was shocked and frightened when the townspeople grabbed her and forced her to abdicate.

She then realized what had happened.  She had grown complacent in expecting that she would be Queen Jane Doe forever; now she had to rectify the situation.

She began to dine on water and bread, exercising heavily and purging after she ate more than three slices of whole wheat bread a day.  Soon she was down to a size four, weak and battered, but thin once more.  Anorexica welcomed her with open arms as their queen again.

However, after she became their ruler once more, even though they begged her to eat more, she would never ingest more than three slices of bread a day, and she would work out until she fell over.

One day she dropped and did not rise again.

That was the end of Jane Doe, ruler of Anorexica.
This is a story about Jane Doe, and her rise and fall as the ruler of Anorexica.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconwtfgirl:
Good premise, but I think the story itself needs a little fattening up to make it flow better. The story goes from a 3rd non-omniscient pov at the beginning to a semi-omniscient 3rd pov at the end. At first it is centered around Jane. And then it starts to pan out and tell the reader what's going on instead of describing what's going on. Keep it focused on her, don't let it pan out.

To give the story more impact it needs more description. Instead of telling the reader that Jane grows fat, describe it. Does her wedding band cut into her skin? Describe how she becomes corrupt, does she throw away the photos of her children for this new found fame?

Right now the it feels more like a fat plot line instead of a story. I love the premise behind it, it just needs more depth and description. Keep up the good work and don't let progress discourage you.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconcrumpetsharvey:
CrumpetsHarvey Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012   Writer
I like the soccer mom as protagonist. And I like the modern parable. I agree that the power corrupts section is heavy handed. I think your OTT stereotypes are ok because they're obviously meant to be OTT stereotypes, although you might want a working class/obese white person in their to round it out.

Yeah. The style is slightly odd, but I like it, I think it gives the parable a parable-y atmosphere.
Reply
:iconcassildra:
Cassildra Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012  Professional Writer
The style is odd how?

Thanks for the suggestions. :)
Reply
:iconcrumpetsharvey:
CrumpetsHarvey Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012   Writer
Mmmm... ritualistic. There's a sense of inevitability. There are the three people who respond to her when she first enters the Anorexia neighbourhood for example. You get this sense of inevitability; of course there are going to be 3. When you get to the end, the cycle of weightgain and weightloss and loveloss and lovegain is inevitable, again. But that ritualistic inevitability is appropriate to parables and to rituals. In a regular modern story it could be accused of being "predictable" but in this I think you might even exaggerate it to good effect.
Reply
:iconcassildra:
Cassildra Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Ah, I see what you're saying. Thanks. That makes sense.

I see a lot of ways to improve this piece, but I think I quite like the odd tone of the story. I did want it to be a parable, so...

I'm just not sure how to exaggerate it. Guess I need to read more Aesop.
Reply
:iconcrumpetsharvey:
CrumpetsHarvey Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012   Writer
or Bunyan!
Reply
:iconcassildra:
Cassildra Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012  Professional Writer
O_o Paul Bunyan and his big blue ox, Babe?
Reply
:iconcrumpetsharvey:
CrumpetsHarvey Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012   Writer
John Bunyan!
Reply
:iconcassildra:
Cassildra Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012  Professional Writer
I will research!
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I like the idea of modern parables. This is a good one :D

I like that our Jane Doe starts out as a normal person - no disorder or mental issues. I think that makes the eventual anorexia more effective than is she had wandered in already unhealthily thin.

I think you lose it a little here: That was when she began to decay inside. Absolute power corrupts absolutely; there was no way Jane could escape the way her crown was thrust upon her. I don't really think you need to throw in the "power corrupts" point - things are already a bit heavy handed in the "healthy body image" message. I like that she becomes lazy over time and has to work for their love again, but I'd leave power out of it completely.

Other than that though, I like the matter-of-fact tone you chose to take with it. It gives it a fable-esque quality that's very fitting (and that fable-esque quality is what keeps it from being too heavy handed I think). I could see this as the beginning of a modern series of fables :D
Reply
:iconcassildra:
Cassildra Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2011  Professional Writer
Thanks so much--I'll keep it all in mind when I (finally get off my ass and) revise. I agree with what you're saying about the "power corrupts" thing. I'm tempted to see if I could figure out a series of modern-day parables; that could be interesting!

Are the stereotypes too over-the-top and offensive? That's really one of my main concerns, to be honest with you.
Reply
Add a Comment: